The Stars Still Shine (for apassingafternoon)

[askthelookout]

It was a long day, and one which seemed as if it might never end. Long after the sun had gone down, Cuthbert was crutching his way around the little tent city which was sprouting up on the practice ground. He'd had the rest of his injuries seen to briefly - by Jamie, not Eunyce, largely because he trusted a fellow gunslinger much more to understand why he wouldn't take anything to put him to sleep - and he'd wiped off the worse of the dirt that clung to him, but he still looked thoroughly sick and weary.

He'd managed to see Rebecca's girls in the hands of someone he trusted, at least, and made sure they were sleeping soundly. Those with friends or family in the lower town had long gone to find shelter there, those without had set up tents and campfires and settled themselves down in the ruins. But it was the small hours of the morning before he lay down himself, on the bare ground, and tried to rest.

It was maybe half an hour later that he gave up on the attempt, hauled himself back to his feet, and limped away again. He found Kaine without too much trouble, and levered himself down onto the grass next to her. With a rather sick feeling, he remembered just how recently they'd been sitting on this ground in the sunshine, telling stories in the shadow of the castle complex, and how he'd felt that things were finally relaxing a little. Ka-mai, indeed, he thought bitterly.

Leaning over a little, he touched her shoulder. His voice was low, so as not to wake the rest of the camp. They needed sleep, he knew. Everyone was weary as all hell.

"Kaine? Are you awake?"

Comments

[apassingafternoon]

There was something oddly consoling in it, knowing that he was just as confused over it all as she was. It also made things easier to figure out.

It required a bit of shifting, finding his cheek with her hand so she knew where to guide her lips but Kaine did kiss him, softly at first and then with increasing pressure, but never so hard that it might boil over into other feelings that they were both too physically wounded and mentally deprived to feel.

"Tonight, you can stay with me. And we can be friends that kiss," In part because not much else was really possible. "Tomorrow, we'll see if being friends that kiss still works. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But tomorrow isn't right now, Bert."

Right now she thought that maybe what he needed was for someone else to make the decision, and to let himself relax.

[askthelookout]

He did relax, too, just a little, kissing her back with growing certainty. It wasn't as if he was unused to kissing, so it was a little strange to feel so unsure about it, but it was still a relief. When they pulled apart, he stayed with his forehead against hers, nodding just a little.

"Thankee," he said quietly, one hand coming up to touch her cheek. A smile tugged at his mouth, faint and rather sad, and all but invisible in the darkness. Friends that kissed was fine by him. Friends that kissed felt a lot safer, in some ways, than lovers. And if it didn't work tomorrow... well, she was right. That was tomorrow. There were plenty worse things to worry about for then.

Leaning in, he kissed her again, gently and chastely, and closed his eyes. "Good to know somebody here still has their wits about them," he said with a little laugh.

[apassingafternoon]

"That's hardly it." She took his hand, pressed it to her chest, and even when she laughed the unbearable pounding of her heart was obvious. "I feel like I'm going to jump out of myself." But she didn't want to do that, not when he needed her, so she wouldn't let it happen. Couldn't.

"Besides," She released his hand, suddenly realized that maybe that wasn't the smartest nor subtlest way to get her point across. Wow. This was what Nariko meant by 'egregious missteps'. "Everything is easier to handle at night. It's quieter, less terrifying when you can't see something."

Maybe most people would find it terrifying, but if Kaine couldn't see - Bert's expression, her own flushed cheeks, or everyone in pain - then she couldn't bring herself to worry as much. She would deal with things as they appeared to her, nothing more than that.

[askthelookout]

He understood completely. The darkness was their friend just at the moment. True, his night vision was rather better than hers - he could make out her expression, and at least guess at the flush on her cheeks - but it still obscured things, made everything less harsh and immediate. Taking the hand off her chest, he slid it around the back of her neck, shifting himself closer to her.

"I ought to tell you I'm sorry," he said, after a moment. "For earlier, I mean. You were trying to help, but I never was much good at being helped." As if that wasn't profoundly obvious from the last few hours. The more he needed help, it seemed, the less able he was to accept it.

[apassingafternoon]

It was for the best that she hadn't realized how sharp his sight was. The first indication would probably throw her back into that clammy silence, unsure of herself and lost. But since that wasn't the case it was easy to huddle a little closer, tucking her knees in as if she wanted as much of herself benignly touching him as could be managed. In a way that was exactly what she wanted and needed, and now seemed like a good opportunity to take advantage.

"It's alright. I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it. You were trying to deal with things, that wasn't the moment to have a long discussion about what kind of leader is needed in the situation." It might not have showed but she was more than grateful for his apology and how sincerely he appeared to mean it.

[askthelookout]

"But I do need to think about it." He brought both arms around her shoulders, sighing, and turned his face up to the sky again. "I get angry at Ro' a lot, but he does know what he's doing, and I envy him that. He knows who he is, and who he is is a leader. That's what he's born to. I don't know what I'm born to." This was something he'd never acknowledged aloud before, and he wondered at it even as he said it. "I know it's not leading, though. I've got the mind for it, I'm not stupid, but..."

He shrugged one shoulder. "I'm not Ro'. I can't put everyone else first the way he does. And when I try, I end up making things worse for everyone and snapping at the people who are trying to help. Fuck, I don't know." Moodily, he let go of her with one hand to push his hair back, and sighed. "You don't care. Cry pardon. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me."

[apassingafternoon]

"I've liked you since near the moment I first saw you, and you're the first man I've ever kissed, and I didn't knock you on your ass and rip off your arm when you hurt my feelings. No, Bert, I don't care about you at all." There was so much sarcasm in her voice that even he couldn't possibly mistake it for anything but what it happened to be. "Of course I care, and I'm listening of my own free will." Her hand wandered over his back in wide circles, palm flat against his clothes. "And I want to help you figure it out of my own will, too." But he had to allow her to do that, but Kaine supposed he didn't need to be told that part.

"I don't think the way he does things is the only way to go about it. It's great that it works and, honestly, I understand wanting to emulate it. I wish I was more like her about nearly everything," But this wasn't about her, and Kaine wouldn't linger. "But figuring out how you do things will probably work out better. It won't come immediately or simply, I imagine, but playing to your strengths might have the better payoff."

Which was what she meant to say earlier, and what she failed to express. But even as she spoke Kaine occasionally kissed along his cheek and brow, as if that might soft the ideas a little.

[askthelookout]

The kisses did help, more than he cared to admit. He turned his face into them a little, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "I guess," he said, eventually. "Just as soon as I figure out how to turn my ability to shoot things and make stupid jokes into leadership, I'll get right to that payoff." His voice was light, but he wasn't really joking at all. So far as he could see, Alain would be much better at this than he would, but Alain wasn't about to take it on - not with how shy and emotional he was. Just at the moment, all he could see to do was to pretend to be the kind of leader he knew, until it stopped being a pretence.

For now, he turned his head, smiling a little. "And for your information, you couldn't knock me on my ass if you tried. I can still pin Ro' half the time. You don't have a chance."

[apassingafternoon]

There was a saying for that in her world! Fake it till you fucking make it. Usually worked, too. For the moment she rested her head on the crook of his shoulder, laughing gently.

"First of all, your leg is out of commission for the time being. I would win." But that was only the first point, the second came with a little nudge into his body, a careful one since she knew he must still be in a good deal of pain. "Second, I'm much faster and stronger than I look! Just because you've never seen me fight doesn't mean that I can't."

She wasn't taking any of it personally, in fact it was a gentle, easy thing to talk about after all that had happened today. "When everything's healed, I'll wipe the floor with you, and then you'll owe me something."

[askthelookout]

It was good to hear someone laugh. All the laughter he'd heard today had been laced with bitterness, and most of it had been coming from him. He smiled a little, resting his head against hers.

"Challenge accepted. Just don't expect me to pull my punches. I'm not the chivalrous type." That was a blatant lie, but somehow he didn't think she'd appreciate being treated like porcelain. "And when I've kicked your ass, I'll graciously forgive you owing me anything. Because I'm a nice guy."

[apassingafternoon]

"If you did then I'd just have another reason to kick you in the shins." She really didn't want him to treat her with kid gloves, so his instincts were spot on there. Kaine reached up to knock his chin with her curved fingers, a barely-there swipe that was meant to be funny, or at least cute. "And who asked you to be a nice guy? Those are the rules, you win, you get something. Hell, I was just going to ask to share a bed for one night. After all, the least I can do after show you the extent of my strength is to comfort you while you're likely sore."

See, she could be smooth, too! Sort of, anyway.

[askthelookout]

He laughed a little, grabbing for her hand. "You don't have to beat the shit out of me for that. I was rather hoping to share a bed with you tonight. You're not the only one who prefers not to sleep alone." It was true. Usually, of his ka-tet, he was the one who'd wake somebody up to wriggle in next to them. He'd always preferred it that way, although if he ever had to admit that it was because he felt safer and more loved, he would have punched something.

"If I win, I get to teach you to shoot," he said, after a moment. "So long as you won't show me up at it the way Nariko did."

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine had to take a moment to enjoy the pure, unadulterated satisfaction that rolled through her. Most of it had to do with knowing that she wouldn't be alone for at least a night, that if she found herself unable to sleep she could simply hold onto someone and feel a little more grounded.

"There's no chance of it, I've shot a gun twice, and it didn't end well either time. I think I would be afraid of accidentally taking your foot off." Gods knew she'd almost done the same to herself when Nariko had attempted to teach her.

[askthelookout]

"Well, then, that sounds like a challenge. And I never could turn down a challenge." He smiled, and, on impulse, turned to kiss her again. "There. Now I have something to look forwards to. Worst-case scenario, I get to watch you make a fool of yourself."

Actually, the worst-case scenario was that neither of them would live to see that point. If Roland's suspicions had been right, and Farson was waiting for this moment of weakness, the chances were that the war was almost over, and they certainly wouldn't be the victors. But Bert wasn't about to let himself dwell on that. He'd been mulling it over all day; best not to waste these few moments of peace on it, too.

"We'll make sure you won't take my foot off before we let you use live fire, alright? So it's fine."

[apassingafternoon]

"I have to admit that's a very good plan." No live fire, no lost limbs! For a moment she was happy to remain as they were, to be close to him and feel him close, to know that Cuthbert, for all his good and bad, was alive and here. It was a stark, painful realization. Nariko wasn't here. But Nariko also wasn't the source of her stuttering heart or flushed cheeks anymore.

Unconscious of the fact she squeezed Bert but thankfully stopped before it could be painful, and kissed him again. It was heavy, a little hard and needing in a gentle sort of way. Even now she couldn't bring herself to push too much, this was stupid and temporary, but it seemed she just couldn't help becoming that much more attached.

"I ..." She pulled away too suddenly, was left too breathless for it. "Do you want to go lie down?"

[askthelookout]

"Probably a good idea," he said after a moment, a little breathless himself. "We should both try to sleep, anyroad. Long day ahead tomorrow." Which hadn't been exactly what he'd meant to say, but it was something, and something was better than nothing.

That didn't stop him leaning in to kiss her again, though, slow and deep, tugging on her lip a little as he pulled away. She was warm and solid and right there, and he could use another reminder of that. Thinking things through was overrated, anyway.

"Lying down. Right. Yes."

[apassingafternoon]

The last thing she wanted to involve herself in was the next day which, come to think of it, was very rapidly approaching, wasn't it? Telling time in this world felt a bit uncertain to say the least but they were in the early, eerie hours beyond a doubt. But if she found the strength to move it was pulled from her with that second (fourth? Fifth? Sixth?) kiss and this time as he parted from her Kaine moaned openly, too mentally blitzed from kissing back with all of the feeling in her to police whatever noises exited.

"Yes." Lying down, which meant calming herself down a little bit. If he wasn't hurt she would probably be on him by now, a dangerous realization and feeling to have after nearly five months of utter celibacy. When she had managed to calm herself a little it was easier to take his hand, wordlessly help him up so that shuffling into her tent wouldn't be so arduous on his likely exhausted body.

[askthelookout]

He appreciated the help more than he would admit - even with the aid of his crutches, it was irritatingly hard to stand up or sit down. Leaning away from her, so he could put his weight on his crutch instead, he limped into the tent after her.

"I thought you preferred sleeping outside," he said, after a moment. It wasn't loaded in any way, just a comment. "It doesn't seem like to rain." Just to be cold, in the way that nights here often were, the clear crispness blown in off the desert. Even that wasn't enough to be uncomfortable. Small mercies, he supposed - if the whole population of Gilead had to be made homeless, at least the weather was holding for them. The thought made him laugh, at the cost of another stab of pain from his injured ribs.

[apassingafternoon]

"I usually do," She scuffed her boot along the ground, almost threw dirt into the little candle that sat in its lone dish, the only light in her tent. It hadn't been smart to leave it there when she had been laying outside but at the moment she hadn't cared enough. The truth of it was that she had tried to sleep on her own, alone, but then gone outside and found that her body wouldn't relax, it had been a lose-lose for her. "But if I'm with someone then it's ..."

Her cheeks flushed a light red, much less than usual, "I'm not ashamed, but I think things like this should be private."

It had absolutely nothing to do with being seen or resulting gossip. To hold someone or be held by them was a show of vulnerability, a break from the rest of the world, and Kaine just couldn't handle anyone seeing her that way, aside from whomever she shared that bit of herself with. Maybe she took it too seriously due to her general lack of experience but even if that was the case there was no easily swaying her.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert didn't even try to. With a little smile that was just barely visible in the candlelight, he nodded. "Guess maybe they should," he allowed, after a moment, and squeezed her hand lightly. He didn't necessarily agree - frankly, privacy in general was a concept that had more or less passed him by, at least when there weren't sensitive matters being discussed - but he could see where she was coming from, and with something like this, that was enough.

He let go of her hand after a moment to lower himself down onto the ground. It was enough of an exertion in his current state that he didn't feel like waiting for her to lie down first was entirely appropriate.

[apassingafternoon]

It was in her to say that she didn't mind helping him, but maybe just this once it was better to let Bert help himself, even if the desire to do otherwise about twisted her heart out of place. She wished he wasn't in such pain, that there was anything that could be done about it, but the one solution was off in another world and also possibly still very dead. Her head shook briefly as if that could possibly rid her of the unnecessary thoughts. It couldn't, but lying down next to him when he was settled could easily do the job.

One small blessing was that she had amassed a good amount of blankets on top of her usual bed roll, it was nothing like a bed, obviously, but for now it would have to be enough. She sidled right up to him, leaning up to kiss his cheek, his jaw, and after a tiny sliver of hesitation, another kiss, a much simpler one, but no less heartfelt.

[askthelookout]

Bert unfastened his gunbelts, setting them to one side along with his crutch, before rolling over to face her. Closing his eyes, he kissed her back, his arms winding around her, his forehead pressing against hers.

He was quiet after that, for several minutes, his breathing levelling out until it seemed like he must be asleep. Then, with his eyes still closed, he said quietly, "It was your bad luck to be there when I found out about the armoury. Seeing that felt like a shell in the heart. No wonder I got so bedamned snappy."

[apassingafternoon]

She wanted to apologize for all of the kissing, and then realized how backwards that would sound. Friends that kiss would obviously, y'know, kiss, but even in the dark she felt a little silly for reacting so strongly. The silence dragged on and she finally calmed herself properly and assumed he really had nodded off. Hell, if their positions were switched she would have done the same.

As such Bert would have to forgive her for jumping a little when he did speak. "It was how it was, not anything more or less." And she wasn't upset anymore, not even slightly. "Better for you to have gotten it out than suffocate yourself with all of that."

[askthelookout]

"I grew up dreaming of that place. Of the day I'd win the keys to it, go out to pick myself a weapon, be a gunslinger. Gilead was a different place then." He half-smiled, sadly, in the darkness. "You've never seen this place in peacetime. It used to be... glorious. And always so full of life, of history. Don't mistake me, Kaine. I'm still choking on it." He nuzzled a little closer against her, quite unashamed. "But I can breathe a little, now there's someone here."

[apassingafternoon]

"I didn't think that it was much better, or that it could even be cured, it's enough to do some good, even if it's just a 'little'." It wasn't quite the same but she could hardly imagine losing her house. Sure, she didn't live in it right now but it still existed somewhere. It was a place that meant something to her and the loss of it would hurt her. Bert had it hundreds of times worse, she knew, and so there was no believing that just her presence could solve anything. Time and patience and understanding might do that.

"Luck you, I'm not going anywhere. Almost did, but ..." She shrugged, letting her fingers wander through his hair over and over again.

[askthelookout]

It was soothing, that touch. He relaxed into it, exhaling slowly against her shoulder, and for a moment, he let himself pretend that the whole world could be narrowed down to the two of them; just Cuthbert and Kaine, and all else put aside for the moment. But he was still a gunslinger at heart, and not so easily distracted - or, alas, so easily soothed.

"When you say 'almost did'," he said at length, his voice muffled a little against her shoulder, "what you're referring to is...?"

[apassingafternoon]

It wouldn't stop until she fell asleep, but she took her time going anywhere near that question. "I mean that after this morning I thought about taking Yonah and leaving. I found her with Raava, I was going to offer to babysit and just ... Go." It wasn't solely because she had been upset with Cuthbert, it was a culmination of various issues, but she sounded as guilty as she felt. For just a little while there it had occurred to her to leave all of these people behind, to leave Nariko entirely, and Cuthbert, too.

She obviously hadn't but it was too idealistic to think that he wouldn't be a little upset with her for it. Her feelings couldn't be very deep or meaningful if she was ready to go so quickly, right?

[askthelookout]

He was quiet for a long time, his breathing as steady as ever, except for the occasional hitch when his broken ribs twinged. At last, he said quietly, "Might have been best if you did. Though I wouldn't take the road that brought you here. We've had more than a few reports of bandits bearing Farson's sigul."

He was no Roland. He wasn't so tight-lipped, or so serious. But, as that should tell her if nothing else did, he was at least as capable of covering reality up with pragmatism. And, as far as he could see, it was true. She should have left. There was nothing left here worth staying for.

"I hope you didn't stay for me." His voice was starting to thicken with sleepiness.

[apassingafternoon]

"So what if I did? That's my decision." Her hand paused in his hair and she kissed his brow gently. Her tone might have been sharper than she meant, so this time Kaine was sure to speak clear and softly. "You're my friend. And Nariko loves this place, because she saw it before, and because her father loved it too. Even if barely anyone can stand me being here, and even though I'm hardly useful, I can't just go. Doesn't do me any good to run away."

He was a part of the reason but not the entire one, for however much that counted it was certainly the truth. She returned to carding her fingers through his hair, settling back into his hold and breathed evenly until she began to relax.

"Sorry, can't get rid of me just yet." Not that he had really been trying in the first place.

[askthelookout]

"If Roland's right - and he usually is, on things like this - it'll come to bloodshed again before too long." The warning might have been dulled somewhat by him stopping midway through it to yawn. "I mean, even if Marten had nothing to do with this, Farson would have to be an idiot to ignore an opportunity like this. We're laid bare and in disarray. If Roland and Nariko come back, there may be nothing to come back to. And if you stay, there's a not inconsiderable probability that you'll die here."

So much for keeping his mind off the serious problems. The trouble was, he couldn't wish himself into blindness. Every time he stopped actively keeping it at bay, that thought started creeping its way back into his mind.

[apassingafternoon]

"I'll take you, Alain, Jamie, and Yonah away before I let that happen and you're an idiot for thinking otherwise. Or too honor bound." Maybe it was the exact same thing. The idea of running from all of this probably wasn't even in him, she could see Bert doing his best to hold everything down until the very last moment. Until it got him killed once and for all.

"Maybe it's the cowards way out but that's why I'll be the one to do it. The rest of you will just be my kidnapping victims." And she'd smack them all unconscious and pile them into a cart and run like fuck to save them. "That's about as no-muss, no-fuss as it can possibly get."

[askthelookout]

He pulled away from her, sitting up sharply. Too sharply - the stabbing pain it brought to his abused body was enough to render him pale and speechless for a moment. When he did speak, though, his voice was absolutely firm.

"If you took us away from here, it would be worse than dying. It isn't just honour. Our whole lives are in this fight. Roland knows that, else I truly believe the Tower would call louder than his duty." In the darkness, he nonetheless met her eyes. "Kaine. My father died for this war. My mother, my ka-tel, my friends, my lovers. My great-great-great-great grandfathers are buried under this ground. Maybe it's stupidity, but it's not honour, and it's not courage either. I would rather throw my guns in the river and myself after them than leave here without trying to defend it. Roland might force me away of my own free will. But even Roland only might."

[apassingafternoon]

"I never said anything about not defending it." Maybe it was exhaustion that kept her level and her emotions unharmed, maybe it was just the nature of the conversation or the affection between them. Who knew. "What I mean to say is that it isn't very often that people have the opportunity to fight the war and get out of it if they've realized it's done and over with. And there are always those moments, you have to know that. We know when something is done and lost for good. We know when it's been taken over for the better and won. If it comes to having to fight them ourselves then, fine, but if we reach the second that it's done, then I want you to live. I want to live. I want everyone that I care about to go on."

And that list of people was incredibly short as she had just explained, but Kaine didn't feel any guilt in that. "I guess it's that I can't believe that something like ka, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, whatever, would take away the semblance of a family I've just rebuilt. Not when I could do something about it."

She wasn't going to talk about what that something happened to be. Not tonight. It just needed to be there. "But I also know that you'll do what you need to, and I'm not saying I'll go against that. It's just ..." Her laugh was a little dry for reasons that had nothing to do with him. "It's just how I feel about it. That's all."

[askthelookout]

He was quiet a moment. Then, touching the side of her face, he lay back down carefully. "I kennit," he said, his voice low, and closed his eyes again. "Like it little enough, but I kennit. But I'm fool enough to go on hoping for a miracle, right to the bitter end. Maybe old Arthur himself will rise up and smite the wicked. Maybe the whole of Farson's army will have a sudden change of heart and go home. Maybe we'll all become immortal and twenty feet tall and smash our way through his forces like a child through grass. All I know is, I'm not ready to give ground just yet, and I don't know that I ever will be. I'm like to go to my death still hoping for a miracle."

Sighing, he rested his head against her chest, his arm going around her again. "Cry pardon. I didn't mean to speak so darkly. Sometimes it just... slips."

[apassingafternoon]

There was a strangely gratifying quality in that response. They didn't agree and Kaine didn't feel any worse off for it, but it did make her happy that they hadn't fallen into the same trap as earlier in the day. That tiny joy kept her from saying what was horribly obvious - That none of what he said was logical or had any hope of occurring. What he spoke of was choosing to die and in her mind it wasn't any better than suicide. But he wouldn't change his mind, and Kaine would get around to accepting that she was in love with a dead man walking.

"It's okay," Even though he was likely to hear her insane heart beat she returned to petting his hair, bending a little to kiss him where she could. "I'd rather you speak than drown yourself with those thoughts." It was bad enough that he would still have them, expressed or not, but maybe it would be easier to go on having let them out a bit. That was all she hoped for.

[askthelookout]

He knew damn well that he was a dead man walking, and if he'd known what was going on in her mind at that moment, it would only have made him angry. So far as he saw it, he'd tried to tell her, to spare her the whole messy business. He was dying, and had been for a long time, because he'd known for years now that this wasn't a war that could be won. He hadn't thought she understood; now he knew she hadn't.

But it was still nice, through the odd ache of guilt, to curl up against her and let himself relax a little, her fingers gentle in his hair and her body warm against him. "I'd rather not have them to drown in," he said after a moment, but he sounded drowsy again. "But it is what it is."

[apassingafternoon]

Yes, he had told her, she had heard him quite well, in fact. And Kaine had, since the day they got drunk together (though it was more like she was wrecked and he just had enough kindness in him to take care of her) she had done her best to get rid of the feelings. They could be friends, and through that, they could also be considered family in a sense. But she hadn't pushed it any further. It just happened, and lead them to where they now happened to be. In the most unsettling manner Kaine was sure that she would never want it any other way.

"It is what it is." He needed to sleep, and so she didn't say anything more than that. It is what it is and they would be whatever they might be.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert smiled a little, bitterly, and let himself drift. He'd been afraid that, after everything, he would still be unable to sleep. In fact, though, he was snoring loudly within a few minutes, dead to the world, to everyone else's pain, and to his own. He'd been afraid of dreaming, too. But he was too tired for dreams, too tired even for grief any more. When he slept, it was as deep and as easy as death.

Outside, the crickets were starting to sing, and dawn was just beginning to break on the horizon.