A Shorter Trail (for apassingafternoon)

[askthelookout]

Bert walked fast, keeping pace with the dull throbbing of his head. Anger lengthened his stride - anger at Alain for running away, at Roland for not being there, at Kaine for being stupid enough to get them all in this mess, even at Jamie for dying. Because that was the core of it, really. Anger was easy to feel, a great deal easier than grief or fear or worry, and anger would keep him going where the others were likely to make him stop and collapse.

Everything was gone. Even his world was gone. And Alain hadn't let him go with it. That hurt, a deep, gnawing loss that had nothing to do with Alain at all, really. He'd set himself up as a dinh in Roland's absence, and even though he'd known that they would lose the battle, he still felt the dull blade of failure, that hideous knowledge that he could have done more or acted differently. If Roland felt this way all the time, he thought blackly, it was a wonder he hadn't gone completely mad.

He was so lost in those thoughts, and the black void of anger they pulled him into, that he almost didn't see Kaine. He'd been expecting her to be a half-hour or more outside the town by now, not huddled so close to its gates. A few feet more, and he would have fallen over her.

Taking a deep breath, he did his best to push down his feelings, hunkering next to her and reaching out to touch her shoulder. "Kaine?" Then, as if only now registering her nakedness: "Hold steady, I'll lend you my shirt. Hardly a Fair-Day gown, but it'll cover you."

Comments

[askthelookout]

"Now who's being a stubborn ass?" The glitter in Cuthbert's eyes wasn't entirely pleasant; it spoke too much of anger and frustration for that. "If I touch that blackness on your legs, will it do something awful to me? Because, if not, get the hell on my back, Kaine." That had been meant to come out light and joking, but too much of his unending frustration spilt out into it, and he almost snapped at her. His smile suddenly looked very brittle indeed, but he moved in front of her nonetheless, hunkering down in front of her and gesturing for her to put her arms around his neck.

[apassingafternoon]

She had never claimed to be anything but! His frustration didn't rattle her as it did in Gilead, a moment in time that felt like it wasn't even entirely real for everything that had happened since. Braced against the wall she gave some choked, half-resigned little noise and the only reason Kaine didn't end up giving in was, well, she needed a second to do up the buttons a little. Enough to cover her chest.

Kaine braced herself on his shoulders, lowered and landed on his back softly with an honest to goodness whimper. There, he won. It probably didn't make him any happier and so she failed to see the point of this but ... He was warm. And there, and comfortable, and she still had enough force in her to at least hold onto him.

"It won't hurt you. Just does that to me."

[askthelookout]

"I knew there was a reason I didn't like it," Cuthbert muttered, and hitched her up onto his hips as he stood up. "Slope off the path, and left. Let me know if I'm headed the wrong way." And he set off, striding along as if it would somehow help to put as much energy into things as possible. He didn't pay any attention to the pain in his head, or to her weight, and for a minute or so, he was grimly, uncharacteristically silent.

Eventually, he said in a low voice, "Why the hell did you do that to yourself? And don't tell me it was for Gilead's sake, because even if you had any reason to give two shits about Gilead, you half-destroyed it in the process."

[apassingafternoon]

The quiet might have surprised her some if she wasn't already half out of it. The air between them was a whole new level of tense but her exhaustion was like a natural, undeniable force. Unfortunately Kaine wasn't so far gone that she missed his question, but there was another few minutes of quiet as she tried to figure out what to say. They were beyond the point of dancing around it now, weren't they? He wasn't that stupid and she was never very good at keeping up charades.

"Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?" Because he did know. Maybe he didn't want to say it, would never have it in him to accept it but the truth was still there. "You know why. And I ..." Fucking hell. "If I died then I died. Wouldn't have really mattered. If you could just live, then I didn't care about what happened to me." Wow, that was the second most romantic bullshit she had ever spouted in her whole seventeen years of living. "You don't want to hear it, that's fine, don't say anything on it, then. I chose to do what I did, so if you're going to loathe me for the rest of your life then at least put me on my side when you throw me off."

[askthelookout]

"I came to find you, didn't I?" He snorted, stalking onwards without looking back at her. His eyes were, in fact, fixed firmly on the ground in front of him. "Just once, though. Between you, Alain, and Roland, can't any one of you just once let me get shot without taking the goddamn bullet?"

The words were joking. The tone wasn't. For all that he was sharp sometimes, even cruel, Cuthbert couldn't bear just how many people seemed to be hurting themselves for him lately. People he cared about. Without even asking his permission. How was that fair?

He stormed on in silence for a few seconds, then added in a slightly lower voice, "Al was going to stay in the battlefield and let me go to find Roland alone. You were going to die for me and let me go on fighting alone. Did it never occur to either of you that the last thing I want is to be alone?" And, to his horror, he realised he was a wrong word away from bursting into tears.

[apassingafternoon]

"It's almost as if we're all extremely terrified of the thought of losing you, Cuthbert, that taking that bullet would be far easier than seeing you in physical pain." And it wasn't as if asking permission for such a thing was ever really a logical course of action. It seemed that when matters of the heart were concerned people just did what they did.

Hearing the thin edge his voice lingered on she squeezed weakly as if it might do some good. "I told Alain to go with you and run. And Alain wanted you to find Roland. Neither of us ever intended for you to be alone." Ironically both had done a good job of trying to cover their bases. If only the execution hadn't fallen short.

"I just wanted to do the right thing. I thought it was right, but it probably wasn't." She pointed diagonally as they stepped out into the burn of two suns. The ground gently slopped downward at a natural incline and where there should have been steady rock was a carved out, personable hole.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert laughed hoarsely, turning down towards the little cave. If the two suns bothered him, he made no sign of it; in fact, he'd seen them through the mist earlier, and in any case was rather more concerned with the current conversation. "That is the most selfish cowshit I've ever heard," he said, almost casually, squinting into the light. "I take it it doesn't matter what's easier for me, then?"

He didn't even try to hide the bitterness in his voice. It seemed like they were past that point, and he was certainly past the point of caring if it upset her.

"I had just told you that I couldn't bear to see you hurt. Not ten minutes before you took my wounds on yourself. Didn't that mean anything to you?"

[apassingafternoon]

Now she wished she could fall off of him even if she deserved every word of that. Also, well, she couldn't remember when he had told her that. Was it to her face or somewhere between all the lines they had managed to draw between one another? Because if it was the latter then he would really have to forgive her for being more concerned with the ridiculous amounts of people trying to kill all of them.

"It meant half a world to me," Now, especially. "But I didn't take on anything that would kill me, that's not the easiest thing to do, Bert. I don't even know if I can die in the first place." It was her turn to be quiet and this time she tried to sit up a little, put space between them but that didn't work. Her arms trembled and she fell onto his shoulders again.

"What would have been easier for you? Losing your eyes, getting shot into pieces? Would you have been comforted by some idealistic, illogical thought that I'd be able to go on without feeling the loss of you every single moment I was awake? Did you think it would be fine because I would just move on and find some nice man that wasn't difficult or snappy and I'd forget about you entirely?"

[askthelookout]

"Why the fuck do you think I didn't want you to care about me in the first place?" He scuffed his boot, scowling. "I care about you. And if it weren't for the part where you became a giant monster, I'd even have been glad you did it. I'm not surprised by what you did - well, okay, maybe by exactly what you did."

Sighing, he ducked into the cave and set her down carefully. "It's not even you I'm angry at. It's Al. He ought to know better." Which came out sounding rather patronising, when actually, all he meant was that Alain was a gunslinger and should have understood. Must have understood.

In all honesty, he was angry at them both, but the sense of betrayal he felt towards Alain significantly outweighed his frustration with Kaine, especially as she was alive. That didn't mean, though, that he was in an especially gentle mood with her. Obviously.

"If you'd got away and I'd died," he said at last, "I would have comforted myself with the thought that I'd gone doing what I was made for, and that people who would have died might have lived, and that I'd served in Roland's stead the way I ought to have. I had to be there. You didn't."

[apassingafternoon]

Obviously.

Kaine settled on the edge of the caves mouth, as bathed in the sun as she could get without rolling into it. The ache was beginning to lift from her arms and thighs but it would take a while before moving on her own was even remotely possible. Which meant she would be stuck here with Bert, who resented her, thought her stupid, as well as a monster. Yes, that was about the best way to sum up returning 'home'!

"... You're right." She didn't say it to make him feel better, it was more that even Kaine had her limits. She was not infallible or anywhere near as stoic as one might think, she was quiet because that was easy, because it got her into less trouble. The rhythmic pulsing was near unbearable, so close and still so far away and he was angry with her and she couldn't argue with him. He was in the right, she had been terrible, that was it. Easier to shut down and take the frustration than debate it.

[askthelookout]

He wasn't done, though. Rolling his shoulders back to ease the tension from carrying her, he started to pace, his hands scraping back through his hair. "If you'd just told me," he burst out at last, "if you'd let me plan for it, Jamie might still be alive!"

Along with many, many others, but it was Jamie's death that hollowed him out, Jamie's death that almost outweighed even Gilead's loss. Jamie, who he'd known since childhood, who'd saved their lives on more than one occasion, whose blood and brains had been spattered all over him only a couple of hours ago. That was a loss smaller and more believable than the loss of everything else, and that was the loss he clung to like an anchor, for the anger it sent flooding through him.

That loss, faced so starkly, was enough to pierce his walls for a moment. Choking suddenly, he sat down heavily at the mouth of the cave, his back to her.

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine didn't believe that was true. Even if she had told him, if she could let herself tell him what a mess she really was, that didn't mean Jamie would be alive. Maybe he would have just died in some other way and that would have been the end of it. But for as many social graces that she lacked even Kaine had enough sense to avoid saying that.

She looked over her shoulder at him, and sighed very quietly. It hurt, but she dragged up onto her feet and looked for the hidey-hole that was in all of her little camps. There wasn't water but she had enough leftover jerky that, after a bit of inspection, looked safe enough. There was also a large blanket.

"You have to eat. My house is towards the ship and then to the right, so that's where you and Alain need to go. Nariko is alive and that's where she's going to be, which means that is where Roland will be. The Village is a nice place, they'll let you stay there for free if you want to." For now she wrapped the blanket around her body like a towel after sliding out of Bert's shirt, putting it on top of the emergency food box, and pushing both towards him.

[askthelookout]

For several moments, Bert was uncharacteristically quiet, staring out at the strange, foreign sky. At last he reached back, but only to push the food and the shirt back in her direction.

"Roland will be looking for a way back, if he hasn't already found one," he said, when another minute or so had gone by. He still wasn't looking at her, his shoulders hunched and his face to the mouth of the cave. "Guess that means we'll have to try and head him off. Alain and I will see about gathering supplies. Food, water, clothes for you. Until then, keep the bedamned shirt, I think I can cope without it that long. And then we can start on our way, we merry little band of fools." Sighing, he closed his eyes and scrubbed his hands across his face, trying to reclaim his usual cheerful mask. When he turned back to her, his mouth was smiling, even if his eyes weren't. "Don't think you're getting away without joining us on that trek, Kaine. I thought I was going to lose you to the Clearing, and as that didn't happen, I'm sure as hell not going to lose you to some stupid cave."

[apassingafternoon]

The feeling in her bones, minus the horrid pain that came with moving her joins, was returning. It meant that she didn't have as horrible a time keeping herself up and leaning against the edge of rock that gave way to more grass, pressing her back into it. She didn't pay attention to Bert watching her and so if he noticed her wiping tears away then it wasn't exactly high on her list of priorities to note it. He could smile all he wanted, he could probably even say just about anything but nothing would outdo what echoed in her head.

"You don't understand. I'm saying go there because I know they're both still near. If they were in Farcade or Commerce I would still be a raving, gigantic monster. The closer I am to her the easer it is to return to normal." For whatever reason it appeared that Nariko and Roland hadn't gone very far. "Even so, my house is the only place with all of those things. The Village is nearly three days from here, and Mystic doesn't sell anything, nor are they apt to give out supplies." So there wasn't anywhere to scavenge to begin with. "The house is only a third of a day off. Less if we go quickly, which might be for the best. Winter isn't the best time to be wandering around at night."

Because it was going to get fucking cold, the wolves might be starving as a result, and if there were still Spectres … Well.

"If you want to go back home then I'll help you go." But they could both agree that it was better if she didn't return with them, right? "But I'm not going to hang around while you hate me. Even though I deserve it." If he and Alain went ahead of her then they would be safe, Bert would have time to feel what he was feeling without being left on his own, too. That had been the idea.

[askthelookout]

He looked at her askance, getting to his feet. "Who said I hate you? Trust me, Kaine, if I hated you, you'd kennit. I sure as hell wouldn't have come out here looking for you, not unless it was to put a shell in your head the way our erstwhile hostess seems to wish I would." His voice was light, but he meant every word. He'd sought her out because he was worried for her, and it came as something of a shock to the system to hear that she didn't realise that.

"Keep the shirt," he repeated, brushing himself off. "Me and Alain will see about finding you something a little more decent between the two of us. Hells, if necessary I'm not above walking around in my drawers for a half-day. Provide a free show for passers-by!"

[apassingafternoon]

"You accused me of basically helping to kill someone who is extremely important to you. 'Hate' didn't seem like a very big leap." He had said other things and that was nice but she couldn't begin to suffocate her sudden exasperation, much less hide it any. Kaine pushed her hair back and leaned over so that she could take up his shirt again. He was hardheaded and there was no use in letting it go to waist. She turned her back to him and made a few adjustments. The towel could be lowered and somewhat awkwardly tied around her hips as a makeshift skirt. Between that and Bert's top it was ... The strangest outfit in all the known worlds, but it was better than revealing every inch of her for such a long walk.

"What hostess are you talking about? Everything happened pretty quickly when they smacked me awake." Kaine had only remembered the enveloping darkness, and then waking up to the smell of that fucking forest, being dragged away from Bert and Alain against her will. She hadn't been there to see who had taken them in.

[askthelookout]

"We woke up in the house of a woman, called herself Trish." Bert shrugged. "She seemed to know you, but going off how she spoke of you, I take it you didn't part as friends. Alain's back there now, getting what information he can. He might need a few hours before he's ready to go. Tempting though it is to pull the son of a bitch out into the sunlight with a raging headache, he'd only slow us down."

There was concern there - Alain was, after all, an-tet - but no less real was the irritation layered over it. He hadn't been lying when he'd said he was angrier with Alain than with her. Frankly, his friend was just lucky not to have a black eye to go with his headache.

[apassingafternoon]

"… No, Trish is pretty much a diseased, pathetic excuse of a cunt and the fact that Alain is anywhere near her makes me want to go in there and rip her head off of her shoulders with my bare hands so that I can go bowling with it. Or toss it down the gorge so the piranhas can gnaw on her skull." Bert could be irritated all he wanted, that was just fine, but Kaine's protective streak was nothing to sniff at. There was nothing genial or obedient about her tone now, she meant every word and the only thing that kept her still and careful was the simple fact that Alain could defend himself. Trish was a shitty excuse of a human being but she didn't have it in her to be truly violent.

"Unless he plans on fucking her you should probably go and get him in the near future. They won't let me in."

[askthelookout]

"He can squirm a while," Bert retorted with some venom, and raked his hands back through his hair. "He's a big boy. He can take care of himself. And me, apparently," he added bitterly, scowling. It seemed like he might take a while longer to forgive Alain, at this rate.

Sighing, he looked out at the sky again. "A third of a day, you said? Seems to me like the afternoon's coming on. I guess, revenge aside, I ought to go and get him."

[apassingafternoon]

She wanted to intervene, insist that Bert should be more forgiving but she was hardly in any position to say a word. It was probably a miracle that Bert was talking to her at all.

"Unless you want to run around in the freezing cold, yes, that would be a good idea." And Kaine would have to leave it at that. She looked in the general direction they needed to go and suddenly, in the most terrifying way, it hit her that they might be seeing them again. Roland and Nariko had barely been gone an entire day, and she had no idea how much time had passed for them, or what had happened at all. Was Nariko really alive? Had they managed to get along? Were they catching them right before they left?

The unanswered questions bothered her, even terrified her. It felt like they had all been parted for a lifetime.

[askthelookout]

"The cold doesn't bother me," Bert responded with a little shrug. "Desert nights and a thick skin. I'm insensitive as hell. You might've noticed." He didn't move towards her, but for a moment he looked as though he might reach out for her. Then he turned away, on his heel, and looked out towards Mystic.

"We ought to be back in an hour or so," he said, shortly. "Make sure you're ready to go. And, just so we're clear, I'm not piggybacking you all the way down the trail." That last bit was said with a ghost of his usual good humour, and a smile that actually reached his eyes for a moment. "Eat something, try to rest. I'll wake you when I'm back."

[apassingafternoon]

She knew better than to fall asleep around here in the daytime but she knew he meant well so Kaine nodded near obediently. "Don't let them rope you into staying any longer than you have to, Bert. Shoot them all if it comes down to it."

And the rest? Well. Sometimes it was better to not know while going in. Mystic as a whole was benign for the most part but every so often they weren't, particularly when the shine both men held wore off. The sooner all three of them were gone and out of their, the better.

[askthelookout]

"Don't tempt me," Bert replied, with a rather sharp little smile, and saluted her. "I'll be back soon, never fear. Hopefully without a bloodbath." He'd fallen back into that bitter humour again; if you looked closely, you could almost see the mask falling back into place. When he walked away, hands in his pockets, he was whistling just as merrily as if nothing was wrong.

[apassingafternoon]

That, of all things, finally pushed a grin out of her. He went back and she stayed where she was, occasionally stretched a limb here or there as her body slowly worked itself out and responded to the constant, healing pulse. When it's effect gathered enough that she could walk without pain lacing its way up her body she made it ten steps out of the cave, towards whatever remained of Aerie.

She could go. They had their directions, they had their dinh to find. If she left it wouldn't be complicated, it wouldn't be nearly as painful.

An eleventh step and she hated the feeling that came with it.

Nope. In this for the long haul, at least until they were ready to go back to their world.